This has been a very stressful two weeks. Midterms had me in their grip and God was working on some areas I have yet to hand over to Him. What a combination…
I knew going into this quarter that things were going to be a bit different than last. I have settled in, figured out campus life, established friendships in and out of class and novelty of college living has started to dissipate. I was excited, though, without the additional emotional baggage of starting friendships and trying to take everything in at one time, I knew that I would have more time for focusing on what God would have for me this quarter. I’m not so sure that has happened quite the way I had hoped.
Two weeks ago I was struck to the core by a comment made by my Pastor up here in Bellingham. He remarked how amazing it is that when Jesus casted out demons they left without argument or complaint. They submitted instantly to His power. And yet, when God tells us, His children, those who love Him, to do something, we “take it into consideration.” We think about it and end up disregarding His direct commands more often than not.
Oh that hurt. I have been ignoring God’s command to be more bold in my faith with my non-Christian friends here on campus. He keeps reminding me how my desire and goal was to share His love and joy with others around me but now that I am in the position to do so, I’m “comfortable” and don’t want to rock the boat.
It has been an interesting conversation these past couple weeks. God has been speaking to me through, get this, Song of Songs! I’m reading a commentary by Watchman Nee along with Song of Songs which has been showing me how this book is a love story between me and God not a woman and a man. The chapter that started this conviction process was chapter 2. The chapter describes the beloved (me) wanting to keep God inside my walls of safety, rather than join Him out on his endeavors throughout the world. It’s comfortable and non-threatening inside and my faults are easier to cover up if God comes to me rather than me having to face others out in the world. But Watchman Nee points out that in order to progress any further in my relationship with God I have step outside of my comfort zone.
So that was the catalyst and as per usual, whenever God starts placing things on my heart, I cannot get away from other confirmations and further instructions. From Sunday sermons on Peter bravely addressing the crowds right after Pentecost and calling them all to repent because they were murders, not simply lacking direction or another more “tactful” call to repentance, to bible studies talking about fearing the world so we don’t step into save the world. I was bombarded.
“God,” I explain, “I’m just not ‘fixed’ enough to start being too bold about my faith. They can observe it, I make no effort to cover up the fact that I am a Christian but if I start being too bold they will ask questions I just don’t have the answers for…”
Quickly God brings to mind Matthew 12 where Jesus sends out His disciples to preach in the surrounding towns. If only a few weeks later Peter completely denies Jesus when He was being crucified, then obviously Peter wasn’t perfect either! And Jesus still sent him out. Hmm, there goes that argument.
“But God,” I argue, “I’m not, not standing up for what I believe, I’m just not being very overt about it. I am being subtle so they aren’t repulsed…”
He’s not fooled. I am reminded by a dear friend and Core leader that Jesus says if we deny him, He will deny us and being embarrassed about my faith is definitely a form of denying Him. Oh the pain…
Interestingly enough I have been more concerned this week by this wrestle with God and the damage it is wrecking to my personal walk with Him than I was to discover I got a C+ on my math midterm. I appreciate the change in priorities and recognize that it is caused by my deepening relationship with God but nevertheless, I would appreciate your prayers for boldness and courage as I submit to God and follow Him in whatever areas He asks me to step out in. Thank you for your love!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Musing from a single woman...
Valentine’s Day or Singleness Awareness Day, what do you prefer? I must admit I tend to get rather cynical around this day. It’s not the I desire to be in a relationship or am unsatisfied by what God has given me right now, it just seems that there is something deeply engrained in my human nature that hates it when other people are happy because of something I don’t have. “I don’t want a boyfriend right now so you shouldn’t either.” Hmm the logic fails me.
The real shame is the fact that Valentine’s Day has become boiled down to couples sending each other flowers. Is that really the climax of the day or only way to celebrate it? I was struck by how incredibly blessed I was this weekend to spend Valentine’s Day with my family who are in fact my real valentines! Why don’t I see this wonderful weekend as just as special and joyful as receiving wilted flowers and fattening chocolate…
Hmm that sounded rather bitter, it was meant to be a humorous perspective shift… sorry. Anyways, moving on, this weekend I had the opportunity to meet another gift, a newborn little girl the first child of my childhood friend. And again I was struck by how gifts and blessing come in all shapes and sizes not just heart shaped boxes.
Wal-Mart seems to believe they have the monopoly on “love.” Did you see that ghastly aisle full of red and pink, no wonder gentlemen are scared of this holiday. I was slightly intimidated myself. But the truth of the matter is, we should be showing our love and appreciation of people in our lives everyday. Why do I have to wait until the calendar reminds me to tell my family how much I love them? And why do I assume showing love to someone other than a boyfriend or husband is in some way an inferior way to spend the holiday?
I was challenged several weeks ago by a friend mentioning how she just couldn’t wait until Valentine’s Day to make a special meal for all her roommates and “lavish them with love.”
The Apostle Paul exhorts single women to make the most of their singleness because it’s a gift from God. We are able to focus more time and energy on pleasing God and blessing others for Him. I believe both God and the Apostle Paul would be very pleased with my friend’s enthusiasm for this Valentine’s day. But again the question arose in my mind or why I and everyone else feels that Valentine’s Day should bring about something extra special. As Christians, aren’t we called to love everyone all the time, showing that love to the detriment of ourselves, all the time? I know I need to rethink how I am using my singleness and showing my love to others all week long not just on Valentine’s Day.
The real shame is the fact that Valentine’s Day has become boiled down to couples sending each other flowers. Is that really the climax of the day or only way to celebrate it? I was struck by how incredibly blessed I was this weekend to spend Valentine’s Day with my family who are in fact my real valentines! Why don’t I see this wonderful weekend as just as special and joyful as receiving wilted flowers and fattening chocolate…
Hmm that sounded rather bitter, it was meant to be a humorous perspective shift… sorry. Anyways, moving on, this weekend I had the opportunity to meet another gift, a newborn little girl the first child of my childhood friend. And again I was struck by how gifts and blessing come in all shapes and sizes not just heart shaped boxes.
Wal-Mart seems to believe they have the monopoly on “love.” Did you see that ghastly aisle full of red and pink, no wonder gentlemen are scared of this holiday. I was slightly intimidated myself. But the truth of the matter is, we should be showing our love and appreciation of people in our lives everyday. Why do I have to wait until the calendar reminds me to tell my family how much I love them? And why do I assume showing love to someone other than a boyfriend or husband is in some way an inferior way to spend the holiday?
I was challenged several weeks ago by a friend mentioning how she just couldn’t wait until Valentine’s Day to make a special meal for all her roommates and “lavish them with love.”
The Apostle Paul exhorts single women to make the most of their singleness because it’s a gift from God. We are able to focus more time and energy on pleasing God and blessing others for Him. I believe both God and the Apostle Paul would be very pleased with my friend’s enthusiasm for this Valentine’s day. But again the question arose in my mind or why I and everyone else feels that Valentine’s Day should bring about something extra special. As Christians, aren’t we called to love everyone all the time, showing that love to the detriment of ourselves, all the time? I know I need to rethink how I am using my singleness and showing my love to others all week long not just on Valentine’s Day.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
My week at a glance
I hope all is well with my faithful friends back home. I love the little updates I get from you on facebook and through emails. It’s only the end of the second week of school and I’m already losing touch with reality a bit. There is a very large bubble surrounding us studious college kids and it hard to remember there is a bigger world out there sometimes. :)
I thought I would give you an update of what this quarter looks like for me so you can picture my week better and pray more clearly if you so desire.
Winter is hard for me. The dark days, the short hours of what little light we get. My SAD light helps immensely but I still find my typical hormonal swings deepening and lasting longer than normal. Knowing my propensity to “get the blues” I decided to attack a large load of credits and more difficult classes. My hope is that my homework will outweigh the blues! We shall see if that was a wise move or not at the end of the quarter. ;) For now, I am taking eighteen credits consisting of one math class which is super challenging and very, very interesting. One technology class which is a fairly easy three credits. One health class which is a joke in my opinion but challenging nevertheless, one special education class which gets me slightly riled at all the politically correct rhetoric they throw around and one TESL class which is terribly long but very useful. All in all, I am in class every day for an average of four hours. This is a lot considering each class is double that in homework time.
Please don’t get me wrong though, I am really enjoying all of my classes. We are focusing more on the pedagogy of teaching rather than the theory surrounding teaching and while I am not in a classroom this quarter I am working on lesson plans and practicing on my fellow classmates.
God has also provided me with an opportunity to attend a BIBLE class here on campus! As many of you know I am involved with CCF (Campus Christian Fellowship) and this quarter they are teaching a non-credit class on what it means to be a disciple of Jesus. It will be meeting once a week for two hours and I really enjoyed this first session. It will be super refreshing to be able to “study” God instead of the world every week! I am still involved with CCF Friday night worship session (a cross between youth group and church) and our smaller bible study groups. Last quarter I also found a church that I love called Oikos Fellowship. It is much more liturgical than I have ever experienced but the messages are so juicy and deep that I find myself writing more notes during the sermon than I do for most of my classes!
As planned, I got in contact with the Crisis Pregnancy Center here in Bellingham and have joined their club on campus. I believe this quarter we will be hosting talks with the Christian communities on campus and instigating conversations in the public square here on campus about relationships. I cannot wait to see what God will do with our boldness!
So between classes, homework and God my life is pretty full and yet I feel sure I could still stuff it with more things! A job is still playing at the back of my mind as a wish and desire but right now God has that door closed. And I would love to be back in a classroom again but again, that door appears to be closed for the moment. It’s so easy to keep “busy” and it appears that the busier I get, the more activities I want to add. A strange sort of addiction if you ask me. Would you mind if I listed some specific prayer needs I have this quarter? I could really use some prayer in the area of where to live and who to live with next year. My fantastic roomy is gradating this year and I will be bereft of her company. I just need some clarity on whether to live on or off campus and who would be the best person(s) to live with. I have a couple options at the moment but know that this is a wonderful opportunity for God to move so I would love some prayers for wisdom. Also, would you please pray for continued peace and contentment even if I get depressed this quarter? I have a blog about peace and self-control burning to be written down here pretty soon but haven’t gotten to it yet.
Thank you all for your continued support and love!
I thought I would give you an update of what this quarter looks like for me so you can picture my week better and pray more clearly if you so desire.
Winter is hard for me. The dark days, the short hours of what little light we get. My SAD light helps immensely but I still find my typical hormonal swings deepening and lasting longer than normal. Knowing my propensity to “get the blues” I decided to attack a large load of credits and more difficult classes. My hope is that my homework will outweigh the blues! We shall see if that was a wise move or not at the end of the quarter. ;) For now, I am taking eighteen credits consisting of one math class which is super challenging and very, very interesting. One technology class which is a fairly easy three credits. One health class which is a joke in my opinion but challenging nevertheless, one special education class which gets me slightly riled at all the politically correct rhetoric they throw around and one TESL class which is terribly long but very useful. All in all, I am in class every day for an average of four hours. This is a lot considering each class is double that in homework time.
Please don’t get me wrong though, I am really enjoying all of my classes. We are focusing more on the pedagogy of teaching rather than the theory surrounding teaching and while I am not in a classroom this quarter I am working on lesson plans and practicing on my fellow classmates.
God has also provided me with an opportunity to attend a BIBLE class here on campus! As many of you know I am involved with CCF (Campus Christian Fellowship) and this quarter they are teaching a non-credit class on what it means to be a disciple of Jesus. It will be meeting once a week for two hours and I really enjoyed this first session. It will be super refreshing to be able to “study” God instead of the world every week! I am still involved with CCF Friday night worship session (a cross between youth group and church) and our smaller bible study groups. Last quarter I also found a church that I love called Oikos Fellowship. It is much more liturgical than I have ever experienced but the messages are so juicy and deep that I find myself writing more notes during the sermon than I do for most of my classes!
As planned, I got in contact with the Crisis Pregnancy Center here in Bellingham and have joined their club on campus. I believe this quarter we will be hosting talks with the Christian communities on campus and instigating conversations in the public square here on campus about relationships. I cannot wait to see what God will do with our boldness!
So between classes, homework and God my life is pretty full and yet I feel sure I could still stuff it with more things! A job is still playing at the back of my mind as a wish and desire but right now God has that door closed. And I would love to be back in a classroom again but again, that door appears to be closed for the moment. It’s so easy to keep “busy” and it appears that the busier I get, the more activities I want to add. A strange sort of addiction if you ask me. Would you mind if I listed some specific prayer needs I have this quarter? I could really use some prayer in the area of where to live and who to live with next year. My fantastic roomy is gradating this year and I will be bereft of her company. I just need some clarity on whether to live on or off campus and who would be the best person(s) to live with. I have a couple options at the moment but know that this is a wonderful opportunity for God to move so I would love some prayers for wisdom. Also, would you please pray for continued peace and contentment even if I get depressed this quarter? I have a blog about peace and self-control burning to be written down here pretty soon but haven’t gotten to it yet.
Thank you all for your continued support and love!
Monday, January 4, 2010
After a long silence, she speaks!
Thank you so much for being patient with my long silence. I have had such a lovely break and found the thought of writing a blog a little too much like writing an essay assignment. Forgive my lack of dedication. ;) The downside to not blogging is there is so much to catch up on! This may end up being a series of blogs we shall see…
God has so richly blessed me this break, I am in awe of all the little ways he continues to show himself strong and faithful while I am still weak and fickle. My first quarter at Western completed, I felt accomplished but slightly depleted spiritually and emotionally. I left Bellingham with a couple issues I really wanted to bring before God in depth: a couple friends weighing on my heart and an emotional struggle with relationships in general. My hope was that God would illuminate what the next step was and how to pray deliberately in advance. He is so faithful! With the freedom to spend as much time as I wanted with him, came the answers and insights I was hoping for and I’d like to share a little bit with you so that you too can be praying. Without going into pride demolishing details, God gave me a glimpse of the spiritual war going on in my dorm that I had fallen prey to; lies I had believed. By showing me where I, an active Christian, had gotten tangled up, God pointed out how much more the non-Christians in my dorm are struggling.
*Author’s note: The following might offend some of my more conservative Christian readers with its charismatic leanings.
I fully believe that there are demons that perpetuate a certain emotional response such as “fear” or “hatred.” As I was praying for Edens, I kept getting the word “loneliness” as the prevalent spirit. The second name I got was “fear of rejection.” In a dorm of young adults, the need to fit in and be “accepted” is so strong. Whether it is the desire to have a girlfriend/boyfriend or just fit in with your peers, this need of acceptance overrides all rational thought sometimes. As I prayed over this battle I realized that if Satan can get us all wrapped up in trying not to be lonely, we will miss God’s unconditional love and acceptance. I would love your prayers as I go back into the battle field with this knowledge. I cannot wait to battle alongside my Father and pray against these spirits by name. I am very aware of how susceptible I am to the lies they spread and recognize that I can do nothing on my own but darned if I’m going to let that intimidate me! Prayer and speaking God’s truth are my weapons and I cannot wait to see what He will do with my willingness to serve him!
Switching subjects slightly I must share another blessing God has given me over this break. I am taking another overly full load of 18 credits and this quarter there are many more books than I had to buy last quarter. If anyone reading this has ever had to buy books for college you will know that each books cost a pound of flesh! It is beyond painful. Even with Half.com and Ebay at my fingertips, the grand total took more flesh that I wanted to give up. I didn’t even think of asking God to provide for me, I just dipped into my saving and complained a lot. Ah foolish me. Between babysitting an amazing little six year old, selling my own books online, and receiving generous checks from my grandparents, God more than covered my books for this quarter. How I wished I had asked him, so I could have been looking for this blessing. As it is, I just did the math last night and realized how unexpectedly he provided for me. He is so good!
Between times with God, I have spent this break catching up with friends over coffee. Volunteering at the Care Center and finally meeting a little baby I have watched all through her nine months growing and developing. Swing dancing until the wee small hours of the morning and working for my surrogate grandfather. Though it has been a very full three and a half weeks, I have enjoyed every minute. I am returning to another full class schedule but so looking forward to it! I will keep you all posted of what God is doing and what adventures my classes are taking me on. Thank you for your prayers and love!
God has so richly blessed me this break, I am in awe of all the little ways he continues to show himself strong and faithful while I am still weak and fickle. My first quarter at Western completed, I felt accomplished but slightly depleted spiritually and emotionally. I left Bellingham with a couple issues I really wanted to bring before God in depth: a couple friends weighing on my heart and an emotional struggle with relationships in general. My hope was that God would illuminate what the next step was and how to pray deliberately in advance. He is so faithful! With the freedom to spend as much time as I wanted with him, came the answers and insights I was hoping for and I’d like to share a little bit with you so that you too can be praying. Without going into pride demolishing details, God gave me a glimpse of the spiritual war going on in my dorm that I had fallen prey to; lies I had believed. By showing me where I, an active Christian, had gotten tangled up, God pointed out how much more the non-Christians in my dorm are struggling.
*Author’s note: The following might offend some of my more conservative Christian readers with its charismatic leanings.
I fully believe that there are demons that perpetuate a certain emotional response such as “fear” or “hatred.” As I was praying for Edens, I kept getting the word “loneliness” as the prevalent spirit. The second name I got was “fear of rejection.” In a dorm of young adults, the need to fit in and be “accepted” is so strong. Whether it is the desire to have a girlfriend/boyfriend or just fit in with your peers, this need of acceptance overrides all rational thought sometimes. As I prayed over this battle I realized that if Satan can get us all wrapped up in trying not to be lonely, we will miss God’s unconditional love and acceptance. I would love your prayers as I go back into the battle field with this knowledge. I cannot wait to battle alongside my Father and pray against these spirits by name. I am very aware of how susceptible I am to the lies they spread and recognize that I can do nothing on my own but darned if I’m going to let that intimidate me! Prayer and speaking God’s truth are my weapons and I cannot wait to see what He will do with my willingness to serve him!
Switching subjects slightly I must share another blessing God has given me over this break. I am taking another overly full load of 18 credits and this quarter there are many more books than I had to buy last quarter. If anyone reading this has ever had to buy books for college you will know that each books cost a pound of flesh! It is beyond painful. Even with Half.com and Ebay at my fingertips, the grand total took more flesh that I wanted to give up. I didn’t even think of asking God to provide for me, I just dipped into my saving and complained a lot. Ah foolish me. Between babysitting an amazing little six year old, selling my own books online, and receiving generous checks from my grandparents, God more than covered my books for this quarter. How I wished I had asked him, so I could have been looking for this blessing. As it is, I just did the math last night and realized how unexpectedly he provided for me. He is so good!
Between times with God, I have spent this break catching up with friends over coffee. Volunteering at the Care Center and finally meeting a little baby I have watched all through her nine months growing and developing. Swing dancing until the wee small hours of the morning and working for my surrogate grandfather. Though it has been a very full three and a half weeks, I have enjoyed every minute. I am returning to another full class schedule but so looking forward to it! I will keep you all posted of what God is doing and what adventures my classes are taking me on. Thank you for your prayers and love!
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