Convicted...

This has been a very stressful two weeks. Midterms had me in their grip and God was working on some areas I have yet to hand over to Him. What a combination…
I knew going into this quarter that things were going to be a bit different than last. I have settled in, figured out campus life, established friendships in and out of class and novelty of college living has started to dissipate. I was excited, though, without the additional emotional baggage of starting friendships and trying to take everything in at one time, I knew that I would have more time for focusing on what God would have for me this quarter. I’m not so sure that has happened quite the way I had hoped.

Two weeks ago I was struck to the core by a comment made by my Pastor up here in Bellingham. He remarked how amazing it is that when Jesus casted out demons they left without argument or complaint. They submitted instantly to His power. And yet, when God tells us, His children, those who love Him, to do something, we “take it into consideration.” We think about it and end up disregarding His direct commands more often than not.
Oh that hurt. I have been ignoring God’s command to be more bold in my faith with my non-Christian friends here on campus. He keeps reminding me how my desire and goal was to share His love and joy with others around me but now that I am in the position to do so, I’m “comfortable” and don’t want to rock the boat.
It has been an interesting conversation these past couple weeks. God has been speaking to me through, get this, Song of Songs! I’m reading a commentary by Watchman Nee along with Song of Songs which has been showing me how this book is a love story between me and God not a woman and a man. The chapter that started this conviction process was chapter 2. The chapter describes the beloved (me) wanting to keep God inside my walls of safety, rather than join Him out on his endeavors throughout the world. It’s comfortable and non-threatening inside and my faults are easier to cover up if God comes to me rather than me having to face others out in the world. But Watchman Nee points out that in order to progress any further in my relationship with God I have step outside of my comfort zone.
So that was the catalyst and as per usual, whenever God starts placing things on my heart, I cannot get away from other confirmations and further instructions. From Sunday sermons on Peter bravely addressing the crowds right after Pentecost and calling them all to repent because they were murders, not simply lacking direction or another more “tactful” call to repentance, to bible studies talking about fearing the world so we don’t step into save the world. I was bombarded.
“God,” I explain, “I’m just not ‘fixed’ enough to start being too bold about my faith. They can observe it, I make no effort to cover up the fact that I am a Christian but if I start being too bold they will ask questions I just don’t have the answers for…”
Quickly God brings to mind Matthew 12 where Jesus sends out His disciples to preach in the surrounding towns. If only a few weeks later Peter completely denies Jesus when He was being crucified, then obviously Peter wasn’t perfect either! And Jesus still sent him out. Hmm, there goes that argument.
“But God,” I argue, “I’m not, not standing up for what I believe, I’m just not being very overt about it. I am being subtle so they aren’t repulsed…”
He’s not fooled. I am reminded by a dear friend and Core leader that Jesus says if we deny him, He will deny us and being embarrassed about my faith is definitely a form of denying Him. Oh the pain…

Interestingly enough I have been more concerned this week by this wrestle with God and the damage it is wrecking to my personal walk with Him than I was to discover I got a C+ on my math midterm. I appreciate the change in priorities and recognize that it is caused by my deepening relationship with God but nevertheless, I would appreciate your prayers for boldness and courage as I submit to God and follow Him in whatever areas He asks me to step out in. Thank you for your love!