This has been a very stressful two weeks. Midterms had me in their grip and God was working on some areas I have yet to hand over to Him. What a combination…
I knew going into this quarter that things were going to be a bit different than last. I have settled in, figured out campus life, established friendships in and out of class and novelty of college living has started to dissipate. I was excited, though, without the additional emotional baggage of starting friendships and trying to take everything in at one time, I knew that I would have more time for focusing on what God would have for me this quarter. I’m not so sure that has happened quite the way I had hoped.
Two weeks ago I was struck to the core by a comment made by my Pastor up here in Bellingham. He remarked how amazing it is that when Jesus casted out demons they left without argument or complaint. They submitted instantly to His power. And yet, when God tells us, His children, those who love Him, to do something, we “take it into consideration.” We think about it and end up disregarding His direct commands more often than not.
Oh that hurt. I have been ignoring God’s command to be more bold in my faith with my non-Christian friends here on campus. He keeps reminding me how my desire and goal was to share His love and joy with others around me but now that I am in the position to do so, I’m “comfortable” and don’t want to rock the boat.
It has been an interesting conversation these past couple weeks. God has been speaking to me through, get this, Song of Songs! I’m reading a commentary by Watchman Nee along with Song of Songs which has been showing me how this book is a love story between me and God not a woman and a man. The chapter that started this conviction process was chapter 2. The chapter describes the beloved (me) wanting to keep God inside my walls of safety, rather than join Him out on his endeavors throughout the world. It’s comfortable and non-threatening inside and my faults are easier to cover up if God comes to me rather than me having to face others out in the world. But Watchman Nee points out that in order to progress any further in my relationship with God I have step outside of my comfort zone.
So that was the catalyst and as per usual, whenever God starts placing things on my heart, I cannot get away from other confirmations and further instructions. From Sunday sermons on Peter bravely addressing the crowds right after Pentecost and calling them all to repent because they were murders, not simply lacking direction or another more “tactful” call to repentance, to bible studies talking about fearing the world so we don’t step into save the world. I was bombarded.
“God,” I explain, “I’m just not ‘fixed’ enough to start being too bold about my faith. They can observe it, I make no effort to cover up the fact that I am a Christian but if I start being too bold they will ask questions I just don’t have the answers for…”
Quickly God brings to mind Matthew 12 where Jesus sends out His disciples to preach in the surrounding towns. If only a few weeks later Peter completely denies Jesus when He was being crucified, then obviously Peter wasn’t perfect either! And Jesus still sent him out. Hmm, there goes that argument.
“But God,” I argue, “I’m not, not standing up for what I believe, I’m just not being very overt about it. I am being subtle so they aren’t repulsed…”
He’s not fooled. I am reminded by a dear friend and Core leader that Jesus says if we deny him, He will deny us and being embarrassed about my faith is definitely a form of denying Him. Oh the pain…
Interestingly enough I have been more concerned this week by this wrestle with God and the damage it is wrecking to my personal walk with Him than I was to discover I got a C+ on my math midterm. I appreciate the change in priorities and recognize that it is caused by my deepening relationship with God but nevertheless, I would appreciate your prayers for boldness and courage as I submit to God and follow Him in whatever areas He asks me to step out in. Thank you for your love!
Monday, February 15, 2010
Musing from a single woman...
Valentine’s Day or Singleness Awareness Day, what do you prefer? I must admit I tend to get rather cynical around this day. It’s not the I desire to be in a relationship or am unsatisfied by what God has given me right now, it just seems that there is something deeply engrained in my human nature that hates it when other people are happy because of something I don’t have. “I don’t want a boyfriend right now so you shouldn’t either.” Hmm the logic fails me.
The real shame is the fact that Valentine’s Day has become boiled down to couples sending each other flowers. Is that really the climax of the day or only way to celebrate it? I was struck by how incredibly blessed I was this weekend to spend Valentine’s Day with my family who are in fact my real valentines! Why don’t I see this wonderful weekend as just as special and joyful as receiving wilted flowers and fattening chocolate…
Hmm that sounded rather bitter, it was meant to be a humorous perspective shift… sorry. Anyways, moving on, this weekend I had the opportunity to meet another gift, a newborn little girl the first child of my childhood friend. And again I was struck by how gifts and blessing come in all shapes and sizes not just heart shaped boxes.
Wal-Mart seems to believe they have the monopoly on “love.” Did you see that ghastly aisle full of red and pink, no wonder gentlemen are scared of this holiday. I was slightly intimidated myself. But the truth of the matter is, we should be showing our love and appreciation of people in our lives everyday. Why do I have to wait until the calendar reminds me to tell my family how much I love them? And why do I assume showing love to someone other than a boyfriend or husband is in some way an inferior way to spend the holiday?
I was challenged several weeks ago by a friend mentioning how she just couldn’t wait until Valentine’s Day to make a special meal for all her roommates and “lavish them with love.”
The Apostle Paul exhorts single women to make the most of their singleness because it’s a gift from God. We are able to focus more time and energy on pleasing God and blessing others for Him. I believe both God and the Apostle Paul would be very pleased with my friend’s enthusiasm for this Valentine’s day. But again the question arose in my mind or why I and everyone else feels that Valentine’s Day should bring about something extra special. As Christians, aren’t we called to love everyone all the time, showing that love to the detriment of ourselves, all the time? I know I need to rethink how I am using my singleness and showing my love to others all week long not just on Valentine’s Day.
The real shame is the fact that Valentine’s Day has become boiled down to couples sending each other flowers. Is that really the climax of the day or only way to celebrate it? I was struck by how incredibly blessed I was this weekend to spend Valentine’s Day with my family who are in fact my real valentines! Why don’t I see this wonderful weekend as just as special and joyful as receiving wilted flowers and fattening chocolate…
Hmm that sounded rather bitter, it was meant to be a humorous perspective shift… sorry. Anyways, moving on, this weekend I had the opportunity to meet another gift, a newborn little girl the first child of my childhood friend. And again I was struck by how gifts and blessing come in all shapes and sizes not just heart shaped boxes.
Wal-Mart seems to believe they have the monopoly on “love.” Did you see that ghastly aisle full of red and pink, no wonder gentlemen are scared of this holiday. I was slightly intimidated myself. But the truth of the matter is, we should be showing our love and appreciation of people in our lives everyday. Why do I have to wait until the calendar reminds me to tell my family how much I love them? And why do I assume showing love to someone other than a boyfriend or husband is in some way an inferior way to spend the holiday?
I was challenged several weeks ago by a friend mentioning how she just couldn’t wait until Valentine’s Day to make a special meal for all her roommates and “lavish them with love.”
The Apostle Paul exhorts single women to make the most of their singleness because it’s a gift from God. We are able to focus more time and energy on pleasing God and blessing others for Him. I believe both God and the Apostle Paul would be very pleased with my friend’s enthusiasm for this Valentine’s day. But again the question arose in my mind or why I and everyone else feels that Valentine’s Day should bring about something extra special. As Christians, aren’t we called to love everyone all the time, showing that love to the detriment of ourselves, all the time? I know I need to rethink how I am using my singleness and showing my love to others all week long not just on Valentine’s Day.
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