Reflecting on Life

Well that’s it folk. I’ve passed that last big birthday until 50. After the buzz of my first glass of wine dissipates, the dark reality of it all being downhill from here sets in.
Ha! Now that I have all you old fogies up in arms and you young children depressed about your future, I must admit that is all said tongue in cheek. Please forgive me. But the reality is I really am 21 and that is getting older. Not old, not the peak of my maturity level or climax of life I agree but it has started me thinking about my life thus far and if I am content with the direction it is taking.

God has been so good to me these past two or three years. No, that’s not accurate, I have finally found out how good God is in these past two or three years. I can see how he has gentle wooed me, showed me how good he is, and then pointed out how much junk I had been using as a substitute for his goodness. I wish I could proudly claim I have completely dropped all my junky substitutes and embraced God completely but it is such a process. More often than not, I get so overwhelmed by my flesh and can’t even see his goodness for all my garbage. How I wish I had started this process a long time ago. Growing up in a Christian home my family laid such a beautiful foundation for my relationship with God but they couldn’t force a living breathing relationship on me they could only model it.

Christians have argued that all a person needs is to place their faith in God and that is the climax of a Christian life. But oh, if I had only realized that accepting salvation is only the beginning of that relationship. And when Christians stay at the place of guilt, confession, and forgiveness it’s like being at a seven course meal and only eating the first course. It is good, it’s the beginning but there is so much more to come. So yes, I would say I have spent most of my life eating that first course and it’s only been in the last two years that I have started to realize there was so much more to come!

For example, when you hear the words “God loves you” do you pass it off as obvious and almost pithy because of the frequency it is said in churches? Or does it rock you back in your chair as you realize how many different ways today alone God has shown his love abundantly, extravagantly, and passionately? Do you think of a stuffy religious love? Or the kind of love a father shows his child or a lover shows his love? I am just starting to see how alive this commonplace phrase really is and I’m ashamed that I’m just now starting to see it.

Imagine if you will, me walking up the cobblestone walk leading up to my dorm a couple weeks ago. It’s almost eight thirty in the evening; the lamps are shedding their warm glow over the fallen leaves. I’m bundled up in my scarf and jacket, deep in conversation with God. I share how long the day has been and how emotional I am feeling (I’m a girl, I remind him, encase he has forgotten) and today my emotional heart is desiring some physical love. A hug and a kiss, a word of love and strength before I have to face another week of homework assignments and social ups and downs. Oh if only you were tangible Father, if only, I find myself wishing. I enter my dorm building and mechanically check my mailbox. One postcard address to Miss Elisabeth, signed with HUGS from my amazing adopted grandfather. My heart starts to sing. Grinning from ear to ear I enter my empty room but wait! What is that on my laptop? A chocolate KISS, left by a sweet friend. My cup overflows and both my flesh and spirit are blessed beyond measure by my extravagant, incredible Father God. Why oh why couldn’t I have started to see these acts of love so long ago.

Another process I wish I started sooner is the process of going to God with the confidence that he hears and answers back. My parents were very good about telling me to ask God about tough decisions and that I should wait to hear is voice but I never listened with expectation. It’s been through deliberately slow baby steps stemming from a burning desire to hear God’s voice, that I have start to recognize how he speaks to me. Yes, I do mean speak. Not bible roulette or through other people’s suggestions. God is even starting to break my controlled box of structured rules on how he is allowed to speak to me. Pictures, a still small voice, a very loud voice, insights that don’t come from my limited knowledge, the sky is the limit. Frustratingly, I am such a slow learner I still wonder whether all my questions and quandaries will be answered as I bring them before him but he’s so patient, so gentle. Even when the answer is not the one I want to hear, I still know it’s an answer.

The passion on my heart right now is that others could have this amazing relationship. Passing through a sea of faces on my way to class I wonder if any one of them have any clue of how desirable and beloved they are to the God who created the universe. I wonder if they know all they have to do is call out and he will answer. My heart breaks for the pain that they are shouldering on their own but looking at how deliberately he pursued me, my heart is also stirred in excitement to see how relentlessly he will keep offering himself to them.

Keep me in your prayers, I’m not sure what new adventures God has for me in this new year of life, but I know that as long as I keep in tuned with him they will be amazing. Pray for strength and a continuing revelation of new aspects in his character. I am bubbling over with joy, hoping for opportunities to share this joy with other and I can’t wait for more.